Psychology of Avoiding Same-Oshi Fans: Setting Boundaries When Comparison Hurts
There are days when you want to hear people talk about your oshi (the idol, character, or creator you support), and there are days when seeing other fans’ purchase reports feels painful. Even if people tell you, “You like the same person, so you should be able to get along,” your feelings might not always catch up with that expectation.
The term doutan kyohi—preferring to avoid fans who share the same oshi (doutan)—does not by itself tell us who someone wants distance from, over what topics, or to what degree. Before judging other fans, let’s start by looking at the specific situations that are causing you distress.
“Liking the Same Oshi” and “Wanting to Enjoy Things Together” Are Two Different Things
You might want to talk about your impressions of a concert while not wanting to hear how much merchandise someone bought. You might want to read analysis of a work while preferring not to see posts reporting personal interactions with the oshi right now. Wishes like these can coexist within a single person. You do not have to decide upfront whether to welcome every fan of the same oshi unconditionally or shut them all out completely.
In Psychology World, published by the Japanese Psychological Association, researcher Yutaka Ueda discusses “psychological ownership”—the feeling that an oshi is “mine”—and how fans relate to one another. This does not mean owning the other person in a legal sense. Furthermore, his commentary does not treat feeling like comrades with fans who support the same oshi and feeling like rivals as simple opposites. Ueda’s commentary (in Japanese) offers a helpful starting point for understanding your own feelings without reducing them to a single personality trait.
However, we cannot use concepts from that research to diagnose a fan in front of us as “a possessive person.” The reasons you want to keep your distance—whether rooted in romantic feelings, comparison, or simply different preferences in conversation topics—do not always fit neatly into a single explanation either.
Things You Want to Enjoy Together
- Talking about songs that left an impression at a concert
- Hearing about favorite scenes from a work
- Checking officially announced appearance information
Things You Want to Hold Back On Right Now
- Comparing purchase quantities or attendance counts
- Hearing detailed accounts of individual interactions
- Debating interpretations that differ from your own
This diagram is not a psychological classification or a diagnosis, but an example of how to sort out topics. You are free to change what goes into either column for yourself.
When Seeing Social Media Posts Starts to Hurt
After seeing a same-oshi fan’s reports on traveling for events or buying merchandise, you might feel pressured to schedule your own next outing right away. Sometimes, rather than disliking the other person, what is really troubling you is how you act after seeing their posts.
For example, if you open social media to read impressions of a work and end up scrolling through one purchase report after another, you can narrow down the accounts or topics you view. By checking the settings on the platform you use, you can try whichever options suit you best—such as turning off notifications, using mute features, or taking a break from searching for a while. Which specific controls are available will vary depending on the service.
What matters is not making “getting the other person to stop posting” the condition for solving the problem. Changing where you go to look is different from restricting how other people support their oshi. To create distance for yourself, there is no need to dig through someone else’s past posts or decide who is the “more legitimate” fan.
If you change your settings once and still feel bothered, it is completely fine to close the screen for the day. Do not treat whether you managed to use the mute button well as a grade on how you practice fandom.
Telling a Friend What You Would Like to Hold Back On
When a friend you are already close with starts liking the same oshi, cutting off the relationship out of nowhere is not the only way to handle it.
Speaking in a way that rejects the person entirely—such as saying, “I don’t like this because we share the same oshi”—makes it hard to convey what is actually troubling you. Instead, you can separate the topic from your own current state, for instance by saying: “I’d love to hear your thoughts on the concert, but right now talking about how much we bought makes me feel anxious. Could we hold off on that topic for a bit?”
Whether the other person can accommodate that request is something you will only know by talking with them. Rather than forcing yourselves to do everything the exact same way, there is room to adjust how you interact—such as keeping plans to attend an event together while buying merchandise separately, or saving your conversation about impressions for a later day.
Conversely, if a friend tells you they need some distance, avoid demanding a full explanation of every reason why, and instead check which topics or messages you should hold back on. Avoid repeatedly sending them posts as if testing whether they “should be able to talk about it if they really like the oshi.”
Separating Merchandise Trades from Close Socializing
Contacting someone to trade merchandise is not the same thing as becoming friends with a fan of the same oshi. You can choose an approach where you exchange only the details needed for the trade without expanding into everyday socializing.
For example, you can write “Messages regarding the trade only, please” in your listing and keep the conversation focused strictly on the items and the handoff or shipping arrangements. Rather than worrying about whether to use the label doutan kyohi, focus on phrasing that clearly communicates what you are asking of the other person. It is also best to avoid casually publishing the other person’s name or private messages under the guise of a “public warning.”
Of course, once you have agreed to a trade, you still need to follow through on the confirmations and delivery you promised. Be careful not to mix up a desire to limit social interaction with how you handle a commitment you have already made. If the transaction itself feels like a burden, you can skip participating in trades altogether and decide later what to do with the items you have on hand.
- 01Put the situation into wordsIdentify which specific posts or topics leave you feeling distressed afterward
- 02Choose what you can change yourselfAdjust the information you view, notifications, event plans, and scope of socializing
- 03Communicate necessary requestsWithout judging the other person, state specifically which topics or messages to hold back on
- 04Revisit your current distanceIf your feelings change later, you do not have to stick to the exact same policy forever
What Organizers Who Encourage Fan Interaction Can Do
Those who plan events and fan projects can consider designing experiences where participants choose whether to socialize, rather than treating doutan kyohi as a fixed customer demographic. That can mean clearly stating in event guides that people can apply solo, enjoy exhibitions or streams without joining a group, and participate without having to publicly share what they bought with others.
Even when offering social activities, organizers can keep standard participation paths open without asking people who opt out to explain their reasons. That helps ensure making friends with other fans is not treated as a measure of successful support. This is not about reducing fan interaction itself, but about creating ways for each person to choose how far they want to engage.
If you find yourself spending more and more time thinking about fans of the same oshi, and you continue having trouble sleeping, eating, or concentrating on school or work, please do not try to solve it solely by adjusting your fan-activity (oshikatsu) boundaries. Talk to someone close to you or a professional support service about how your daily life is going. The Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare’s consultation guide (in Japanese) introduces support resources in Japan, including schools, public consultation desks, and medical institutions.
Even if you cannot change how you feel right away, you can always re-select which posts you look at today and which topics you talk about next. Start by considering the distance you need right now.
Related articles: What Is Doutan (Sharing the Same Oshi)? / Finding a Comfortable Distance with Your Oshi / Oshikatsu Burnout
FAQ
Does avoiding fans of the same oshi have one fixed cause?
A label alone does not determine someone's underlying cause or personality. It helps to separate the specific situations where you want distance—such as purchase reports, interpretations of a work, or updates about personal interactions.
Do I have to cut ties with a friend who likes the same oshi?
There are ways to specifically share what you want to enjoy together and which topics you would like to hold back on. Rather than trying to make the other person stop liking your oshi, talk about how the two of you interact.
Can I trade merch with fans of the same oshi without becoming close friends?
You can treat trading and everyday socializing separately. State the scope of communication upfront, and follow through on any handoffs or confirmations you have agreed to handle. If trading itself feels burdensome, sitting out is also an option.
What kinds of participation options can event organizers provide?
Organizers can design guidance that lets fans choose their level of involvement, such as making social activities optional and clearly stating how people can apply, watch, or buy things on their own.
